Two Primary Roots of Struggle

Beth Moore gave us two questions to answer today from our reading of chapters 5 & 6 in "So Long, Insecurity". What were our two primary roots of struggle? ( she spoke of 6 roots of insecurity) What if any insight and did we sense God was speaking to us?

Oh Yes, God spoke to me!

I chose Instability in the Home and Rejection. First instability. I need to deal with that first. Beth says "abuse can have many faces. It can be emotional, mental, physical, verbal, or sexual. When we encounter any of those it just reinforces our thoughts that we are on our own. There is no one who will take care of me". How many
times have I thought those same things from a very early age? Too many times. I have always felt like I had to be the strong one no matter how I ached for someone to take care of me. To hold me. To say that everything will be alright. The closes I came to letting that happen was when my brother died. I could hardly bear it. Beth also said "if a female was a sizable source of our insecurity early on, we will tend to struggle more with security around or with women". In my case it was male. She goes on to say "The gender of the person who originally made us feel defenseless or inordinately defensive until we are healed". I always thought that whatever a man did to me I deserved. I'm going to be totally honest here. In my mind I thought since all my suffering came from man and I deserved whatever man did then I could never lash out at God or be angry at God cause He was man. I discovered my thinking of this lie along time ago in counseling. I dealt with that lie but never completely on my thoughts about men. I know we should always be honest with God and tell Him our true feelings. He knows them anyway so we need to be honest with ourselves.

Even when you are old, I will be the same. Even when your hair has turned gray, I will take care of you. I made you and will take care of you. I will carry you and save you.
Isaiah 46:4 NCV

God will always love me and take care of me no matter what! God never leaves us or forsakes us. We may wander from Him but He is always waiting with open arms for us to come back. Thank You Jesus!

Rejection goes along with my thoughts on men and goes along with the instability. I get in relationships with men that I know deepest in my heart they are not for me. Because of the comfort zone. I know how it's going to feel at the beginning, the middle and the end. It's not a good feeling but it's what I know and I find myself self nodding to
You are so right...
I'm not worth wanting
I'm not worth loving
I'm not worth pursuing
I'm not worth fighting for
I'm not worth keeping
I'm not even worth noticing
Ouch does that hurt! Rejection can also gives us temporary insanity. I have found myself even obsessing over someone that I didn't really like but because of my comfort zone I felt that I needed them. I didn't even really want to be with them. But that's what I deserved. Putting up a front doesn't work.

As Beth says "God knows exactly what happened and what a toll it took. (oh what a toll it has taken on me)He knows the number it played on our mind. (oh did it) Let Him bring you peace. Let Him tell you you're worth fighting for, and yes, keeping".
God is the reason we are here. God knows it's scary to be us! I heave a sigh of relief just knowing that.

I have chosen you and have not rejected you. So do not fear, for I am with you: do not be dismayed for I am your God.
Isaiah 41:9-10

Sayre...the beginning

To write anything about Sayre I must first write about how I arrived in Sayre. Start at the beginning...to make sense of everything that took place. God was preparing the way for me before I arrived. God had a plan. I didn't even know it.

In him we were also chosen having been predistined according to the plan of him who works out everything in conformity with the purpose of his will. Eph 1:11 NIV


1990
I was married to Mark, and living with my 3 children in Miami. We were attending Liberty Baptist Church. Our pastor Carol had gave a sermon on praying for God to do His will in our life not our will. Not how we want our life to go. Not to keep us from having pain in our life but Gods will in our life. To do with our life whatever He wanted. To do whatever it takes to get our attention. The saying goes you need to watch what you pray for you might just get it. Several weeks later I was talking with my friend Paula about this and told her I had been praying for this. I remember Paula's answer as if it was yesterday. Paula said, "Oh no, I'm too scared to do that. I'm afraid something will happen to one of my kids". I was surprised by this. Paula was refering to praying for God's will to happen in her childrens life. I hadn't been thinking really of something awful happening like that. I thought it would be something good. After all, why would God allow something bad to happen. Hmmm.....Nothing happens to us that has not trickled through God's fingers.

We become weak to become Strong.

"Now I take limitations in stride, and with good cheer, these limitations that cut me down to size abuse, accidents, opposition, bad breaks. I just let Christ take over! And so the weaker I get, the stronger I become." 2 Corinthians 12:10 MSG

God is not wasting the pain in your life. He never wastes a wound. He is healing you at this very moment and using that pain to show you a dream bigger than you realize. But you need to trust Him. When you trust, you allow room for hope.

When we are in the deep, deep valley we must hold on to the assurance that God stands firm and strong behind us. Nothing we experience will be wasted. It will all be used for our good to make us stronger, to make us walk closer to Him, to give us a more loving heart. In our greatest pain we need to lean greatly on God. Heis using our weakness to do His work in and through us, building trust, so that His dream for each of our lives can become a reality. (EWOMEN Daily Devotions)

When I read this I thought this is so true. How many times have I experienced this. God never showed it more true than He did to me when I lived in Sayre. Sayre, where so many things happen that can only be explained by God having control. I became so weak that I was strong. The presence of God was never so strong in my life as He was then. Even though it has been years since Sayre I think of that time in my life often, wanting back the closeness with God that I had. I want that closeness again. I can't say where did God go? He never left me. No, I can't say He hasn't always been there for me. He's been there quietly waiting for me to return to Him when I strayed from Him.

1,000 Gifts

Gifts from God. We get so busy in our everyday life that we miss the gifts each day that we get from God. I got this idea from Gratitude Community. I haven't got this post like I want yet. I'm going to start listing my gifts and will add on to this one date even though it won't actually be the real date. The idea is that doing this will change your life, your outlook, and so on. I can't wait to see how this will change my life. To really see my blessings in the everyday of life.

1. The sun shinning this morning.

2. Sweet Tea from QT.

3. My Family.

4. Braxton saying "Slow Grandma Slow". This was in reference to blowing bubbles.

5. Pedicure. First time.

6. Believing God!

7. Beth Moore bible study.

8. Grayson coming in to my bedroom trying to scare me.

9. My home...having a roof over my head.

10. My job...having a job in this economy.

11. Talking to my friend Janis. I've known her since 6th grade.

Insecurity

I've started a Beth Moore study online with her new book So Long Insecurity you've been a bad friend. I was really thinking that I wasn't insecure but would do the study anyway. What was I thinking?? Of course, I have insecurities, and they all have to do with men. Yes, men. Ok 98 percent is because of men. I have known this but didn't put it down as insecurity until I read the first few chapters. I am so use to men that I have been in relationships with treating me bad that when I do meet someone that is nice I don't like them, I'm not attracted to them. You know what I'm talking about if you have been in abusive relationships. You get in a comfort zone. You know what's going to happen, there are no surprises. You think that's what's suppose to happen. I have even went to counseling for this very thing. But it didn't take!

I have met 2 men (Danny and Monty) in the last year that were the opposite of what I was use to. They were nice guys. I'm not saying they were perfect. But nice. Treated me great. Nothing like what I was use to. So in all my insecurities I couldn't take it. I couldn't like someone like that or be attracted to someone that was going to treat me right. So what did I do. I ran as fast as I could. That's right. Broke up with one of them and stopped seeing one before it could get started. And did this under the disguise of Danny suffocating me and Monty not feeling it. I went looking for Andre'. Yes, Andre' my love, that one that I was comfortable with. There's that comfort zone again. Doctor, Doctor where are you?? That's crazy sounding I know. But if you have ever been there you know what I'm saying.

When I'm thinking normal, without my insecurities blaring at me, I think about Danny and Monty. Wondering why I couldn't have given them a chance? Why couldn't I have enjoyed a relationship with someone that treated me like I was someone special? Oh yea I'm insecure. That's the reason. But no more!! I'm ticked. I'm a scorned woman!So long Bad Friend!

Yes, I'm ready to say goodby. God prepares the way for us. God was preparing me for this book. Oh how He was preparing me. Nothing is by accident. It's destined. God knew I had to go through what I did with Andre' and what happened that last time we say each other to get to this point where I could read this book and know it was for me.

Lake Bug

Every since we spent time at the lake last summer I have wanted to get a place on the lake. Yes, I was bit by the lake bug. Never thought that would happen but it did. I've always been a pool kind of gal. My realator, yes my realator, has been sending me pics and I've actually been to see a few of them. But I've never seen one that said this is it. Well she sent one on Monday that as soon as I seen the first pic, I said this is it. I wanted a house that had some yard, a deck a gentle slope to the lake and a dock with swim deck. Lori and I saw some houses last summer that were like this and really were fixed up nice. I don't even care what the inside of the house looks like this is it. I'm going to go see it and see what I can do about it getting it. I wanted a lake house that I could retire to and my family could enjoy also. Well see. Pray that everything goes well. If it's not meant to be it's not meant to be.

Cabins, Cabins, Cabins OH MY

For the past week or so Tiffany and I have been looking for cabins. Just let me say there are many nice ones out there. I mean nice! We found one. Copper Pines it's really nice and we are going to go there over the 4th. It will be fun. I love that our family gets along so well that we want to spend time together vacationing. We will have a great time enjoying the lake, cooking, eating, relaxing in the hot tub, and whatever else we decide to do.

My Youngest Grandson

Tiffany, Steve and Brax came over last night. Just let me say he is the cutest guy. He is so funny. He had on his dinosour houseshoes and he was roaring like a dinosour. The faces he makes when he is roaring are to funny. And he's serious about his roaring. The roars come deep from his stomache.